"God won't give you more than you can handle"

PLEASE no one ever say this to me again!

I've heard this phrase countless times since my first miscarriage.

http://www.bloggingtheologically.com/2009/07/20/everyday-theology-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

It's NOT Biblical. No, I CAN'T "handle it." I NEED to rely on God! I am nothing without him.

Michelle Duggar loses baby

My heart broke when I read that news.

The Duggars announced they were expecting their 20th child on the day I realized I was miscarrying my second baby. I was so bitter about it. If she could have so many healthy pregnancies, why couldn't I? I felt like the world was rubbing salt into my wounds. I was jealous.

And now...? Poor Michelle. Miscarriage is horrible, regardless of how many children you already have. Each miscarriage is a baby lost. So sad.

And to everyone saying "she shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place!"-- shut your mouth! How incredibly insensitive to judge someone in their time of grief! When I told a select few about my fourth pregnancy last month and how I was bleeding and anxious-- my "friends" told me "Well, are you even allowed to get pregnant so soon? What are you doing having another baby already?!" Those insensitivies were absolutely terrible to hear. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. I was sharing vulnerable information with a few friends, and instead of receiving support, I was hit with rudeness and condescension. I felt shamed instead of supported.

Research shows that women who conceive again within 6 months of the first miscarriage are more likely to have successful pregnancies than women who conceive after 6 months. Most physicians recommend waiting 3 months or at least one good menstrual cycle before conceiving after a loss... not that I have to defend myself, but I did those things... And unfortunately, I had really bad luck! What would they have said if the pregnancy was successful?? Probably: "Oh congratulations! God is blessing you!" So hypocritical.

Ugh. I feel like I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again. I will constantly be feeling anxiety and I will forever be afraid to share anything with anyone again, lest I receive horrible and insensitive comments.

If you know someone who has had recurrent pregnancy losses-- keep your mouth shut, except for the old standby: "I'm so sorry! I'm here to listen if you want to talk."

Poured out

I feel so empty. Dry. Broken.

I'm pregnant. I feel pregnant. I'm exhausted and constantly nauseated. But... the baby appears nonviable. A blighted ovum, perhaps? And now I may need another D&C.

Why can't my body just miscarry appropriately? This is coming on the heels of the traumatic loss of my sweet baby Samuel. Just 3.5 months ago, I miscarried him at 12 weeks, and then almost died from hemorrhage. I was heartbroken and grief-stricken.

And now... Another miscarriage? My life just seems too sad to be true right now. I keep pinching myself, hoping I'll wake up.

I am so overwhelmed with grief. The sadness just overflows out of my heart and spills down my cheeks as salty wet tears. I hate seeing the sadness reflected in my family... my children and my husband are so sensitive to my emotions. I so wish I could re-discover my joy!!!

I am absolutely terrified to try again. A third miscarriage? That would just be cruel! Lord, you gave me this immense desire to bear children! Why are you making it so difficult?

Adoption? Remaining a family of four? It's so hard to change plans when I've had my heart set on something else for so long. Lead me, God. Sustain me. Support me. COMFORT me.

I need it!

Second miscarriage

And... I'm officially in the "multiple miscarriage club."

Found out I was pregnant last week. I was elated! I thought "surely, God is doing a miracle in me!" I immediately started celebrating my "rainbow." I called my husband and he said "Oh, Boy!" and we enjoyed the prospect of new life.

A mere 12 hours later... I began to bleed. And cramp.

7 days of bleeding. No end in sight.

More tears shed.

And only a couple of positive pregnancy tests to show for a little life that didn't stand a chance.

October 15th

October 15th is now regarded as Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

Since one out of every four pregnancies ends before birth, I guarantee that you know SOMEONE who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

Light a candle in honor of their child or children. The annual "Wave of Light" takes place at 7pm (your time) until 8pm on October 15th every year.

I have to work that evening, and I will not be able to light a candle, but I will remember my Samuel at that time. We will be attending a memorial service at Mt. Olivet cemetery for pregnancy loss babies at 12 noon that day. Please keep us in your prayers that day.

I take one day at a time. Most days are good now. But some days are still so very hard. This is a difficult journey.

October 15, "Wave of Light" video

The Beauty

I was SO excited yesterday! I was going to go back to work!!!

I love being a nurse and I was really glad to be doing something "useful" again (besides 'just being a mom/wife').

Unfortunately, when I went to Associate Health to get medical clearance to return to work, my blood pressure was only 80/60. The nurse practitioner checked it like 6 times, ha. She was like "are you feeling ok?" I was. I mean, I had dropped my 3 year old off for his first day of PreK (kicking and screaming, unfortunately... I mean, he was excited, but he's soooo shy) and then drove to the appointment. I chased my daughter around while waiting the half hour to be seen. I thought I was feeling ok... and then she had me stand up. WHOA. I got really dizzy, nauseous, and my peripheral vision got really dark. The NP freaked out and told me that NO, I could not go back to work, and, I wasn't allowed to drive myself home. She wanted me to go straight to my primary's office to get checked out.

So, I had to wait for a ride... we were late picking up my son from school and then I had to go to my primary doctor's. While there, my BP was normal! I was like "I'm really not faking this" haha. She was concerned about my "episode" and had me go get a ton of blood drawn. She told me to double my iron intake (I'm already taking the max dose of my liquid iron supplement), go home and put my feet up. I'm not really supposed to do much.

::sigh::

Just when I'm finally thinking life will get back to "normal," everything changes again. I just have to laugh. I have NO CONTROL over my life. It's all in God's hands. He's really stripping me bare right now so that he can rebuild me somehow in the way he wants me. I don't like the process, but I have faith that the end result will be worth it.

Now I'm home... trying to take it easy (not a simple thing when you have two kids under 3 and an attention-hungry dog).

Oh, if only my husband and I had just gone to bed on May 23rd instead of getting amorous with each other, haha. Then I would never have gotten pregnant.

I can't do that. I have to stop playing "what-ifs" with myself. I'm here for a reason. I don't know why, but Jesus does. Khristeena (my midwife) encouraged me to "see the beauty" in my circumstances. I really feel challenged by this. It's hard to see beauty in losing a baby, almost losing my life, and feeling stripped of control and ability to do pretty much everything I want to do.

But... Let's try. The beauty in Samuel's pregnancy/birth/and aftermath:

*Getting to make Galilee's "big sister" onesie and imagining how cute she'd be as a big sister.

*Seeing the looks on my family's faces when we announced we were pregnant!

*Feeling empowered when deciding to plan a homebirth with Khristeena.

*Meeting and becoming friends with Khristeena. She is a wonderful person and if it wasn't for this pregnancy, I wouldn't be her patient.

*Getting to see our sweet little baby, Samuel, after he was born. What an amazing experience.

*Learning to play "angry birds" on my iPod touch during the loooong wait in the waiting room.

*Joining the "bereaved parent club" and growing closer to my friends who have lost babies.

*Feeling totally loved by friends/family who brought us meals that first week.

*Opening the mailbox every day for a week and seeing dozens of colorful birthday cards for my son's 3rd birthday. What an exciting thing for him! Thank you to everyone who rallied to make his day special.

*Meeting Fran, the bereavement coordinator at my hospital. What a Godsend!

*Feeling loved by our new church-- two people came to pray for us while in the hospital.

*Feeling Jesus' presence so closely and so real during my blood transfusions.

*NOT DYING!

*Being told I was the paramedic's bloodiest patient ever. Is it odd that I'm kind of proud of that accomplishment?? haha

*Getting the blood stains out of my clothes... Biokleen is amazing stuff!

*anonymously receiving my lovely "psalm 139:13" necklace that I wear every day! I love having a reminder of Samuel with me all the time.

*the colorful pinwheel that we used to mark Samuel's grave. Every time the wind blows, I feel like he's saying "hello" to me.

*Having my little baby buried in the backyard. I love that I can go talk to him whenever I need to.

*Having time off to stay home and snuggle my kids!

*the fact that I'm still breastfeeding Galilee. I REALLY love having a baby to nurse right now. Even though she's not the snuggliest baby, she loves nursing, and it's so good to not have empty arms.

*Getting to nurse in front of all the firemen and paramedics while hemorrhaging on the couch-- that was hilarious to me. My daughter's little "MMMM" sounds as she looked up at me and rubbed my face with her chubby little hands and rubbing her chubby little legs all over my bloody shorts was just... so... comical and precious. I don't know. It's kind of morbid, but I love this memory of the two of us.

*I loved drinking Khristeena's raspberry leaf tea in the ER.

*I really secretly loved telling off the resident under the influence of the dilaudid... I was totally unhindered and got to speak my mind, lol. I don't think I'd have been able to do this if I wasn't drugged out of my mind. I was satisfied that I got to stand up for myself.

*I felt TOTALLY empowered that I stood my ground and did not let them take my baby's body. I turned into overprotective mama-bear and was ready to attack if they went near him! I am glad that I was able to bring him home with me... at least I got to do that much. Even if I couldn't protect him in the womb, I could protect him and honor him after death.

*Understanding the world of infertility and pregnancy loss. There are so many grieving mothers. Now I "get it."

*Drawing closer to my friend Meghan (my best texting buddy).

*Before surgery, as I gave my wedding rings to Isaac to hold, I loved the way he so sincerely told me he loved me and kissed me... like it was just us... even though there were a half dozen people watching us. I love that he didn't care.

*Seeing my babies in the hospital room for the first time since the hemorrhage... they were SO BEAUTIFUL!

*Realizing that my rash/joint pain/muscle aches/exhaustion was ONLY a transfusion reaction and not LUPUS! And that I wasn't just a hypochondriac!

*Knowing Jesus and not having to walk through this alone.

Thanks, Khristeena for suggesting this exercise. It was really helpful! There is beauty around me even in the darkness... it's just harder to see.

Bleeding

::sigh::

In the last 6.5 weeks (45 days), I have only had 16 days without uterine bleeding. I'm so tired of bleeding. When will this end?

I can't wait to be "normal" again. I feel so sick and weak.

I go back to work on Thursday. Attending births and caring for babies. This is the true test! On one hand, I'm thrilled to go back to my job-- I always feel so useful. My job is incredibly rewarding. However... babies. ::sigh:: I know there will be many triggers there. Especially since I know my coworkers will want to know my story and how I am doing. God, please help me to be strong. I need my job. I have to get out of this house! I so have cabin fever right now. I don't want to be sad.

One thing I do have to rave about: Floradix. I'm loving the stuff right now. It's liquid iron and herbs; it's high in B vitamins. My body seriously craves it. My midwife joked that if you like the taste, it means you really need it. If you think it's gross, then you don't need it anymore! If you are anemic after a birth or miscarriage, you really have to get this. You can order it on amazon. I'm trying to get my strength up.

God, please help me to forgive the hospital and give up that bitterness. Help me forgive people from being insensitive. I want to be free of anger.

God, thank you for a supportive husband who is letting me grieve in my own time. I don't know how long it will take until I reach acceptance.