Why Hello There!

Oh my!  It has certainly been a while!   I love blogging, but I am not the most disciplined person.  :)


But, Praise God!  I have happy news to report!!!

I am still gloriously and wondrously pregnant at 31 weeks!  We are having a baby GIRL and are due late March.  I am thrilled!

Other than some pubic symphysis pain that slows me up a bit (thank God for my Chiropractor!  a 5 minute adjustment and my pain was completely gone!), I am feeling very well.   And so full of Joy!  Excitement!!

I just reread this from a post from last year:
"In my Bible Study, the author told us: you can pray for your specific miracles... God can answer that prayer or do something BETTER.

I am holding onto that... that God will do something even BETTER in my life. Eventually. In HIS timing."

THIS is my "something better."   I love this baby so much!   I know she would not be here if I had another baby in my arms.   As much as I adored and loved my other babies... I love this baby just as much!  And I know God has something VERY special indeed in store for this baby girl.  My Rainbow baby!!  :)

Still at work... enjoying my job, but it is starting to get physically taxing on my pregnant body!  Standing under radiant warmers for 8 hours and running to and from various birth rooms to attend deliveries is very dehydrating and sometimes causes me to get dizzy and start contracting.  Trying to take very good care of myself and my precious baby while also giving excellent care to my patients!  

Only 2 more months and my baby will be here!  EEK!

Planning a home water birth and I am so excited about it!   This will be a Glory Birth for sure!!!  

15 weeks!

Well... we made it out of the dreaded first trimester!  WOOHOO!!!!  And baby seems very happy and content to continue gestating in my womb.  :)

I started to feel little tiny flutters... at ELEVEN WEEKS.  Crazy.  I am pretty sure that my placenta is posterior this time (based on that first ultrasound) which may explain why movement is more noticeable.  (I had anterior placentas with the other two kiddos).  The flutters were very tiny and sporadic, but now, at 15 weeks, they are much more noticeable.  What a tremendous relief to feel!  I am in heaven!  :)

I am also definitely showing.  To the point where strangers mention the baby belly.  People are already starting to rub my stomach, too.  I am in maternity clothes and have been for weeks.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to grow another healthy baby.  I can't tell you how devastated I was to think that I was ending my fertility with two back to back losses.  It was heartbreaking.  This joy-filled pregnancy has definitely been a huge comfort to me.  I still think of my miscarried babies, but the grief is no longer the focal point of my thinking-- now, it just plays in the background as part of my life story.  It is something that has changed me and shaped me.  I hope for the better.

Here is a sweet little video of  my three children:

http://vimeo.com/48886039

IBCLE (and other news)

Well, I finally took the IBCLE to become an international board certified lactation consultant.  All I can say is:  WHOA!   It was such a strange exam... and hard for me as a nursery nurse to understand what answer they were looking for at times... as a newborn nurse, I would definitely choose one answer, but as an IBCLC, should I choose this other answer?  Anyway, it was really tough and I did not feel much relief after the exam was over.  But they make us wait an agonizingly long time before we find out our exam results.  So... I'll let you know in OCTOBER if I'm an IBCLC or not (gulp).

In other news.... I am thrilled to say that I am expecting a precious little baby to make his or her appearance sometime in March 2013.  I am thrilled and nervous... but I admit, I'm much less anxious than I was expecting to be which is a BLESSING.  We had an ultrasound last week and the little wombling was looking great, with a steady 144 bpm heart rate.   :)   This is my FIFTH pregnancy (holy cow) and I have to say.... I really hate the first trimester.  haha.  I am thrilled to try again after my horrible losses of last year.  Hopefully baby stays sticky!

I am exhausted, in part because it has been CRAY CRAY at work!  I don't know what happened... but it has been a full on baby boom the past few days.  Our NICU is PACKED and closed to new admissions (they are transferring high risk moms to other hospitals) which has never happened before.  We are getting delivery after delivery.  I'm working longer hours and I totally feel like a zombie this morning.

My awesome son turned FOUR years old yesterday as well.  Four years of motherhood!  I can't believe it.  He is such a sweet kid, and I just love him.  So much has happened in the last four years!  This is the first year that I've been able to strictly celebrate HIM and his life on his birthday, and not reflect on the traumatic labor and c-section that brought him into the world.  In fact, I didn't even think about it, which is a surprise and a relief.  I had to work on his birthday (boo) but I had a lovely morning and afternoon with my snuggly guy and we will have a party next week.  The poor kid had a kind of lousy birthday last year because I was in the hospital and recovering from my hemorrhagic miscarriage.  So, we're going all out for him this year.  He deserves it, he is a great kid!

Life is good.  :)

Two Years Old!

My victory baby is 2 years old today!  Happy Birthday, little one!

When she was born, I told myself that I wanted to nurse her for 2 years.  We did it!  And I doubt there will be any weaning any time soon!  I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said "Oaks" (her word for "milk") and patted my chest.  Haha.  She has already nursed 3 times today.

I am studying (or should be studying) for my IBCLE which is July 30th.  It seems fitting that I'd still be lactating while studying for my lactation exam!

Goats

Last weekend, we packed up our family and headed north 2.5 hours for my cousin's wedding. We decided to make a fun family trip out of it instead of trying to cram 5 hours of driving round trip into one day. My amazing husband discovered this random little farm bed and breakfast... it was wonderful! My kids loved getting to collect eggs, feed chickens, goats, sheep, pigs, and ducks, and we all loved petting the beautiful draft horse. Breakfast was awesome and included organic ingredients fresh from the farm.

What was interesting was chatting with our host, Elizabeth. She is a pretty interesting lady! A yoga instructor with 5 adult children and a bunch of grandkids now, she runs the farm with her son and completely runs the B&B. She had several of her children at home back in the 80s. Of course, as so easily happens with me, our conversation turned to birth.

Several of her goats are pregnant and due to deliver soon. She told me a story about a goat birth a few years ago-- the mother delivered and everything seemed fine. Elizabeth ran to town to do a few errands and when she came back, it appeared like the mother goat was still laboring. Suspecting a surprise twin, she rushed the goat to the Vet. By this time, the mother goat's cervix had mostly closed, so she was given hormones to induce labor. By the time the baby goat was born, he needed lots of resuscitation to get him going. The mother was so traumatized by the birth that she COMPLETELY rejected the baby. Bonding was fine with the first baby, but she wanted nothing to do with the second baby.

Amazing, huh? Do you think the labor induction artificial hormones had anything to do with that bonding??

Valentine's Day

Well... It's finally here. Today, Valentine's Day, is Samuel's due date.

It's so interesting to me that I've been waiting in anticipation for this day like I would have if I was still pregnant with him. I've been counting down.

You see... I've been expecting today to be a REALLY hard day. Even way back in August, just after we lost him, I commented to my midwife that "the due date is going to be so so so hard." She just said: "Sigrid... but you're going to be a totally different woman in February. Just take each day at a time."

Wow, she is such a wise woman!!! Getting through each day on its own has been how I've survived the last 6 months.

Research shows that the most intense grieving happens in the first 6 months after a loss... and well... it's now been 6 months! It does seem to be a little easier to breathe... to smile... to laugh... to feel joy in my heart.

I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see vibrant colors again. I feel like a fog has been lifted from around me and the air is sweeter. Life is still tough. I still cry. I still get jealous, especially now that other women are delivering their babies that are the same age that Sam would be. But... joy isn't impossible anymore. It's a reality of every day now. I am overflowing with joy about my beautiful kids and my amazing husband. They are so sweet, and I think God has given them a special sensitivity toward me these past few months. They know that I need desperately to laugh and have fun. They know I need extra snuggles. God created them to be just right for me. They are my perfect little support group.

I am going to spend some time today thinking about my babies-- Sam and Marah. Thinking about what it would have been like to have a new baby in the house now. But then, I'm going to get up, kiss my kids, eat some chocolate, praise God for the blessings I do have and how he has been shaping me, and then dream about the future. Not about what could have been or even "should" have been, but what promise I do have for sure... hope of heaven. That one glorious day, we will all be reunited. We will have no tears, no heartache; only overwhelming awe for the intense holiness of God. Everything will be just right.

Happy Valentine's Day to my sweet babies. Thank You Jesus for choosing me to walk this path-- to shape me and change me and to make me stronger. I know you love me and I love you, and you work all things for good for those that love you! I hold dearly onto that promise!

Much love in my heart today.

IBCLC

Our health system received a grant to train 20 new IBCLCs (international board certified lactation consultants). This is something I've always wanted to do, so I applied for the class and got accepted. I will take 30 hours of in-class education and 60 hours of on-line education, then I will sit for the exam in July!

It's going to be a lot of work, but I am grateful for an opportunity to learn and grow in my profession. It's nice to be doing something for myself now, especially as I'm coming out of such a difficult season.

It's so nice to have goals and to have something to work toward!