weeping

I had a sudden "attack" of weepiness yesterday regarding my c-section. It has been two years. When will this end?

It's amazing to me how completely and totally that one day has changed my life. I get so frustrated when people just brush cesareans off like they are no big deal, that they are "just another way to give birth." WRONG! I didn't birth my son. He was ripped from me. Unnecessarily. It isn't just the section that frustrates me. It's all the events that led up to it. If I hadn't gone for my biophysical profile, they wouldn't have noticed the "low fluid". AFI is a tricky thing to measure by sonogram. If the fluid is on the inside of the uterus, between the baby and the interior wall, it won't be seen and won't be measurable by sono. It just makes me so mad that there was this tiny excuse that they found to induce me. I had a perfect pregnancy and I was young and healthy. And I am so mad at myself for letting them do it. I wanted to leave, but they manipulated me by saying I would be "discharged AMA" and that "if anything happened to your baby, it would be your fault." Disgusting.

The induction led to the epidural, which led the the c/s. I know from my second birth that I had absolutely no problem at all birthing a big baby. I know I could have done it. Why did I let them mess with my body????

My son's birth broke me. I felt assaulted and victimized. Strapped down, naked, to a metal table with bright spotlights shining on my most private parts while a dozen people file into the room. A drape is set up in front of me-- was it to shield me from the surgery or was it to dehumanize the section for the surgeon? I felt so alone as I was cut open, my uterus taken out of my body.

Even before the actual surgery, when I was pushing in the labor room-- there were two nurses, a midwife, an OBGYN, and a med student all yelling at me to "PUSH," again with my naked body exposed to the world with spotlights and an open door. Strangers could have walked right in. How humiliating. I didn't at all feel like a person. I felt like a just another patient on a birth assembly line. "Let's just get her delivered!"

This DISGUSTS me! I thought that my beautiful birth with my VBAC victory baby would have helped me heal. But, now I know how AMAZING natural birth can be. And I feel even worse that I missed out on that with my son. That experience was stolen from me. And instead, I struggled with a very difficult physical and emotional recovery. And... in some ways, I will never recover.