There is a nurse that works per diem in my unit at my hospital and she also works full time at the hospital where I delivered my 2nd baby. I didn't know many people that worked at that hospital, so I was very pleasantly surprised when my coworker walked into the delivery room as I was birthing my baby to be the newborn nurse. There were only five people in that quiet and dim room- my husband and myself, my nurse, my midwife, and the newborn nurse. Immediately after Lilee was born, I was so completely overcome with "love hormones" that I began proclaiming my love for everyone in the room! It was so crazy- it was like I had to fall in love with everyone nearby! That oxytocin is strong stuff!
Anyway... I saw my coworker for the first time since the birth last night and I was just so shocked at how much I wanted to talk to her and be around her. I didn't know her too well before the birth, but now, after she attended my birth, I just feel so connected to her. It's so interesting to think about how something as personal and intimate as birth can bring two people together! That (natural) oxytocin (NOT pitocin!) is so good at causing bonding to occur- not just between mother and baby, but everyone else in the room. It's kind of like how a baby duck imprints to the first thing he sees (usually his mother). I felt bonded to everyone I saw immediately after the birth. Another reason to choose your birth team wisely!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
weeping
I had a sudden "attack" of weepiness yesterday regarding my c-section. It has been two years. When will this end?
It's amazing to me how completely and totally that one day has changed my life. I get so frustrated when people just brush cesareans off like they are no big deal, that they are "just another way to give birth." WRONG! I didn't birth my son. He was ripped from me. Unnecessarily. It isn't just the section that frustrates me. It's all the events that led up to it. If I hadn't gone for my biophysical profile, they wouldn't have noticed the "low fluid". AFI is a tricky thing to measure by sonogram. If the fluid is on the inside of the uterus, between the baby and the interior wall, it won't be seen and won't be measurable by sono. It just makes me so mad that there was this tiny excuse that they found to induce me. I had a perfect pregnancy and I was young and healthy. And I am so mad at myself for letting them do it. I wanted to leave, but they manipulated me by saying I would be "discharged AMA" and that "if anything happened to your baby, it would be your fault." Disgusting.
The induction led to the epidural, which led the the c/s. I know from my second birth that I had absolutely no problem at all birthing a big baby. I know I could have done it. Why did I let them mess with my body????
My son's birth broke me. I felt assaulted and victimized. Strapped down, naked, to a metal table with bright spotlights shining on my most private parts while a dozen people file into the room. A drape is set up in front of me-- was it to shield me from the surgery or was it to dehumanize the section for the surgeon? I felt so alone as I was cut open, my uterus taken out of my body.
Even before the actual surgery, when I was pushing in the labor room-- there were two nurses, a midwife, an OBGYN, and a med student all yelling at me to "PUSH," again with my naked body exposed to the world with spotlights and an open door. Strangers could have walked right in. How humiliating. I didn't at all feel like a person. I felt like a just another patient on a birth assembly line. "Let's just get her delivered!"
This DISGUSTS me! I thought that my beautiful birth with my VBAC victory baby would have helped me heal. But, now I know how AMAZING natural birth can be. And I feel even worse that I missed out on that with my son. That experience was stolen from me. And instead, I struggled with a very difficult physical and emotional recovery. And... in some ways, I will never recover.
It's amazing to me how completely and totally that one day has changed my life. I get so frustrated when people just brush cesareans off like they are no big deal, that they are "just another way to give birth." WRONG! I didn't birth my son. He was ripped from me. Unnecessarily. It isn't just the section that frustrates me. It's all the events that led up to it. If I hadn't gone for my biophysical profile, they wouldn't have noticed the "low fluid". AFI is a tricky thing to measure by sonogram. If the fluid is on the inside of the uterus, between the baby and the interior wall, it won't be seen and won't be measurable by sono. It just makes me so mad that there was this tiny excuse that they found to induce me. I had a perfect pregnancy and I was young and healthy. And I am so mad at myself for letting them do it. I wanted to leave, but they manipulated me by saying I would be "discharged AMA" and that "if anything happened to your baby, it would be your fault." Disgusting.
The induction led to the epidural, which led the the c/s. I know from my second birth that I had absolutely no problem at all birthing a big baby. I know I could have done it. Why did I let them mess with my body????
My son's birth broke me. I felt assaulted and victimized. Strapped down, naked, to a metal table with bright spotlights shining on my most private parts while a dozen people file into the room. A drape is set up in front of me-- was it to shield me from the surgery or was it to dehumanize the section for the surgeon? I felt so alone as I was cut open, my uterus taken out of my body.
Even before the actual surgery, when I was pushing in the labor room-- there were two nurses, a midwife, an OBGYN, and a med student all yelling at me to "PUSH," again with my naked body exposed to the world with spotlights and an open door. Strangers could have walked right in. How humiliating. I didn't at all feel like a person. I felt like a just another patient on a birth assembly line. "Let's just get her delivered!"
This DISGUSTS me! I thought that my beautiful birth with my VBAC victory baby would have helped me heal. But, now I know how AMAZING natural birth can be. And I feel even worse that I missed out on that with my son. That experience was stolen from me. And instead, I struggled with a very difficult physical and emotional recovery. And... in some ways, I will never recover.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Patient Story: denied birth
I recently found an old friend of facebook and we got to chatting about our kids and she sent me her birth story for her second daughter:
"my first baby was born at an army hospital 6 years ago, and she was a natural birth. However, the army nurses were very against anyone getting out of bed and moving so I was made to stay flat on my back in bed the entire time, and then gave birth to my posterior baby while going through the worst agony of my entire life. Not such a fun experience, but at least I didn't have a c-section with her. Then in 2007, I went into labor in the middle of the night and things were going smoothly. I had an epidural this time and actually was very relaxed, and when it came time to push, I was not nearly as exhausted as with my first. I pushed for 15 minutes and the doctor told me that he could see her head, that with the next push we would have a baby. When that time came and I was pushing, he suddenly started yelling at me to stop and telling the nurses to call the OR, and I had to have an emergency c-section. I had no idea what was going on; I felt fine and the baby's heart rate was totally normal. As it turns out, she was frank breech and he would not let me deliver her, never mind the fact that her bum was partway out at this point! I was furious and scared. It was definitely horrifying, to say the least. He kept telling me that if I continued to push, my cervix could close around her neck and she would die. I now know, after having a vbac, that that was very unlikely. Anyways, she and I both recovered, at least physically. I still hold bitter feelings about the entire situation, so when she was 6 months old and I found out I was pregnant again, I began researching vbacs. As it turns out, there is a group of midwives here that will do them, and it was an absolutely wonderful, perfect birth experience. I spoke with my midwives about my c/s, and they said that had I been their patient, they would have just delivered her as long as she was not in distress. How in the world the doctors and nurses did not know she was breech is beyond me, but I know I can't change the past. I just refuse to go back to that hospital for anything!"
The above story made me SO ANGRY. I can't even tell you! That vaginal breech births are virtually impossible in a US hospital is just such a shame!
"my first baby was born at an army hospital 6 years ago, and she was a natural birth. However, the army nurses were very against anyone getting out of bed and moving so I was made to stay flat on my back in bed the entire time, and then gave birth to my posterior baby while going through the worst agony of my entire life. Not such a fun experience, but at least I didn't have a c-section with her. Then in 2007, I went into labor in the middle of the night and things were going smoothly. I had an epidural this time and actually was very relaxed, and when it came time to push, I was not nearly as exhausted as with my first. I pushed for 15 minutes and the doctor told me that he could see her head, that with the next push we would have a baby. When that time came and I was pushing, he suddenly started yelling at me to stop and telling the nurses to call the OR, and I had to have an emergency c-section. I had no idea what was going on; I felt fine and the baby's heart rate was totally normal. As it turns out, she was frank breech and he would not let me deliver her, never mind the fact that her bum was partway out at this point! I was furious and scared. It was definitely horrifying, to say the least. He kept telling me that if I continued to push, my cervix could close around her neck and she would die. I now know, after having a vbac, that that was very unlikely. Anyways, she and I both recovered, at least physically. I still hold bitter feelings about the entire situation, so when she was 6 months old and I found out I was pregnant again, I began researching vbacs. As it turns out, there is a group of midwives here that will do them, and it was an absolutely wonderful, perfect birth experience. I spoke with my midwives about my c/s, and they said that had I been their patient, they would have just delivered her as long as she was not in distress. How in the world the doctors and nurses did not know she was breech is beyond me, but I know I can't change the past. I just refuse to go back to that hospital for anything!"
The above story made me SO ANGRY. I can't even tell you! That vaginal breech births are virtually impossible in a US hospital is just such a shame!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Patient Story: Repeat C/S gone wrong
I met a very nice couple who had recently birthed their second baby. The baby was perfect and just so sweet. The mom, however, was very very frustrated with her experience and when I found out why, I was so so sad for her.
She had a routine scheduled repeat c-section. Not an emergency. No rush. It was supposed to be "controlled" and "relaxed". However, during the surgery, the mother apparently overheard her OB telling the resident "No! Stop! You're cutting too much!" which, as you can imagine, was very distressing for this poor mother who was strapped down, helpless, to the operating table. Apparently, the bladder was cut. In a botched attempt to repair the damage, the bladder was accidentally sutured to the uterus (how does that happen????). They didn't realize the mistake until the day after the birth, when the mom complained of tremendous pain and had terrible hematuria. Her foley bag was bright red with blood. They took her back in, opened her back up, and fixed the misplaced suture. This was quite the traumatic experience for the mom, who then had to pump and dump her breast milk because the antibiotic she is on (adding insult to injury).
I just feel so sorry for her. This never should have happened.
Cesareans are major surgeries. Risks are very real.
She had a routine scheduled repeat c-section. Not an emergency. No rush. It was supposed to be "controlled" and "relaxed". However, during the surgery, the mother apparently overheard her OB telling the resident "No! Stop! You're cutting too much!" which, as you can imagine, was very distressing for this poor mother who was strapped down, helpless, to the operating table. Apparently, the bladder was cut. In a botched attempt to repair the damage, the bladder was accidentally sutured to the uterus (how does that happen????). They didn't realize the mistake until the day after the birth, when the mom complained of tremendous pain and had terrible hematuria. Her foley bag was bright red with blood. They took her back in, opened her back up, and fixed the misplaced suture. This was quite the traumatic experience for the mom, who then had to pump and dump her breast milk because the antibiotic she is on (adding insult to injury).
I just feel so sorry for her. This never should have happened.
Cesareans are major surgeries. Risks are very real.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
What Natural Birth feels like
Its only 8 weeks since my last birth, but I've already forgotten what labor feels like! I love "labor amnesia!" That amazing hormone cocktail that is released after birth is strong stuff!
A lot of my mom-friends love their epidurals and are deathly afraid of natural birth. My goal today is to show you there's nothing to be afraid of. It's not *that* bad! I loved my natural birth!
(disclaimer: these descriptions are what I felt. All labors are a little bit different and not every woman is the same)
I'll try to remember and accurately describe what birth felt like to me:
Natural Labor Contractions: an intense pressure. I wouldn't even call it "pain" because there is nothing sharp about it- just intense pressure. It is uncomfortable, but the sensations have purpose and there is nothing to fear and they won't harm your body. They come in waves, starting gradually and building in intensity until they peak and then lose intensity again. It started at the top of my uterus and then spread downward until it covered my entire abdomen (I've heard most women say that it started at the bottom and worked its way up, though). For me, my contractions started 2-3 minutes apart with a 1 minute break in between. They continued in that pattern the entire labor, only increasing in intensity for several hours, and then it was very repetitive and predictable. I knew exactly what to expect and feel with each new contraction and could practice and perfect the right coping technique for me. A few hours into it, and I had mastered the contractions. I had back labor for the first half, and that just felt like a strong back ache with some shooting sensations down my hips and legs (very uncomfortable, but again, it was predictable and thus, manageable). I still felt the majority of the contractions in the front over my entire abdomen.
Rupture of membranes: my water broke spontaneously with my first labor. It literally felt and sounded like a "POP!" like when you pop bubble wrap. My water was broken by my midwife (amniotomy) with my second labor and I didn't feel anything (it just felt like a normal vaginal exam) until the warm water started rushing out.
Pushing: AMAZING! I loved pushing. It was incredible. The discomfort from my contractions subsided when I pushed. It was so powerful. It felt so "right". There was no way I couldn't push at that point! My body just took over. Be prepared to make some interesting "primal" noises!
Crowning: BURNING! That is all I can say. This was the only point in my labor that it actually "hurt." The good news is: it's over with very quickly! Even if the baby is born slowly, after only a few minutes of crowing, your vaginal tissue stretches and the burning subsides. Do some prenatal perineal massage ahead of time and you'll get a glimpse of what it will feel like.
Birth: All the pain vanishes. It's crazy. As soon as the baby is out, your perineum is just kind of numb. And the euphoria of birth takes over. Your body literally produces its own anesthesia!
Third Stage: pushing the placenta out was a piece of cake. It just felt like a big clot coming out. Everything is still so open and stretched and kind of numb from the birth. I barely even noticed it.
Suturing: My midwife gave me a shot of local before suturing my tiny 1st degree tear. The shot wasn't that big of a deal- I was too busy fawning over my baby!
Afterbirth contractions: These are the contractions you get after the baby is born to shrink the uterus back down and close off blood vessels. They usually get stronger with each baby. These were just as strong and intense as labor contractions and I would get them on and off for the first two days. Be prepared to relax and breathe through them! In a way, they were actually worse than labor contractions because I didn't know when they were coming and they weren't predictable.
I used a self-hypnosis program called Hypnobabies which REALLY helped me cope and relax through labor. I highy recommend Hypnobabies for all moms who want a natural birth. I will discuss the program in a future post. Hypnobabies helped me to alleviate my fears about natural birth and the self-hypnosis techniques that it teaches helped me to experience the contractions as only pressure and not pain. Pretty awesome!
A lot of my mom-friends love their epidurals and are deathly afraid of natural birth. My goal today is to show you there's nothing to be afraid of. It's not *that* bad! I loved my natural birth!
(disclaimer: these descriptions are what I felt. All labors are a little bit different and not every woman is the same)
I'll try to remember and accurately describe what birth felt like to me:
Natural Labor Contractions: an intense pressure. I wouldn't even call it "pain" because there is nothing sharp about it- just intense pressure. It is uncomfortable, but the sensations have purpose and there is nothing to fear and they won't harm your body. They come in waves, starting gradually and building in intensity until they peak and then lose intensity again. It started at the top of my uterus and then spread downward until it covered my entire abdomen (I've heard most women say that it started at the bottom and worked its way up, though). For me, my contractions started 2-3 minutes apart with a 1 minute break in between. They continued in that pattern the entire labor, only increasing in intensity for several hours, and then it was very repetitive and predictable. I knew exactly what to expect and feel with each new contraction and could practice and perfect the right coping technique for me. A few hours into it, and I had mastered the contractions. I had back labor for the first half, and that just felt like a strong back ache with some shooting sensations down my hips and legs (very uncomfortable, but again, it was predictable and thus, manageable). I still felt the majority of the contractions in the front over my entire abdomen.
Rupture of membranes: my water broke spontaneously with my first labor. It literally felt and sounded like a "POP!" like when you pop bubble wrap. My water was broken by my midwife (amniotomy) with my second labor and I didn't feel anything (it just felt like a normal vaginal exam) until the warm water started rushing out.
Pushing: AMAZING! I loved pushing. It was incredible. The discomfort from my contractions subsided when I pushed. It was so powerful. It felt so "right". There was no way I couldn't push at that point! My body just took over. Be prepared to make some interesting "primal" noises!
Crowning: BURNING! That is all I can say. This was the only point in my labor that it actually "hurt." The good news is: it's over with very quickly! Even if the baby is born slowly, after only a few minutes of crowing, your vaginal tissue stretches and the burning subsides. Do some prenatal perineal massage ahead of time and you'll get a glimpse of what it will feel like.
Birth: All the pain vanishes. It's crazy. As soon as the baby is out, your perineum is just kind of numb. And the euphoria of birth takes over. Your body literally produces its own anesthesia!
Third Stage: pushing the placenta out was a piece of cake. It just felt like a big clot coming out. Everything is still so open and stretched and kind of numb from the birth. I barely even noticed it.
Suturing: My midwife gave me a shot of local before suturing my tiny 1st degree tear. The shot wasn't that big of a deal- I was too busy fawning over my baby!
Afterbirth contractions: These are the contractions you get after the baby is born to shrink the uterus back down and close off blood vessels. They usually get stronger with each baby. These were just as strong and intense as labor contractions and I would get them on and off for the first two days. Be prepared to relax and breathe through them! In a way, they were actually worse than labor contractions because I didn't know when they were coming and they weren't predictable.
I used a self-hypnosis program called Hypnobabies which REALLY helped me cope and relax through labor. I highy recommend Hypnobabies for all moms who want a natural birth. I will discuss the program in a future post. Hypnobabies helped me to alleviate my fears about natural birth and the self-hypnosis techniques that it teaches helped me to experience the contractions as only pressure and not pain. Pretty awesome!
Why I hate epidurals
Don't get me wrong- while I was in labor with my first baby, I LOVED my epidural! I'm not a masochist!
BUT- I am convinced that my epidural is what caused my c-section... something I would love (more than almost anything!) to have avoided!
I went into my first labor wanting to have a natural childbirth. However, many people encouraged me to "have an open mind" because "you don't know what your pain tolerance will be like!" So many of my friends' labor advice was simply "get the epidural!"
I felt manipulated to have an induction because of a misdiagnosis of low amniotic fluid levels. The first four hours of active labor on the pitocin were difficult, but bearable. I was coping fairly well with my husband providing counterpressure on my low back. "I'm doing it! I can totally do this!" I kept thinking.
Then... my water broke! Immediately, the contractions intensified and fear overwhelmed me. The contractions were long, hard, and close together. I felt like I had no relief. I reluctantly asked for an epidural. I felt like I had no choice. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. Pitocin-induced labor was ridiculously intense and painful.
It took 45 minutes for the epidural to get placed. The first attempt caused ringing in my ears, a metallic taste in my mouth and it caused my heart to race. It was incredibly scary. Finally... after the second attempt, I had a "good" epidural and I found relief. I couldn't feel a thing from below my breasts to my toes. I was completely numb.
Because I was less tense and was able to relax (and those pit contractions were STRONG), my cervix dilated very quickly. I went from 4cm to 10 cm in an hour. Then, I had to start pushing.
Pushing was a nightmare. I couldn't feel anything! I didn't know when I was having a contraction. I didn't know when to push. I didn't know how to push or where to push. I tried the best I could. I pushed for three hours. I felt totally out of control- the nurse kept "coaching me" to push longer and harder (I'm already giving it all I got!). I felt like I wasn't making any progress at all. It was only afterward that my husband told me that he could see the top of the baby's head for at least a good hour of pushing. I tried SO hard to not look over my shoulder at the clock. It was so disheartening after a while. All my work in vain.
Then... because of my epidural and at the suggestion of my nurse and the hospitalist midwife who managed my labor, I pushed flat on my back while pulling on a knotted bedsheet. This was awful. I had horrible heartburn and the pulling caused tremendous strain on my arms and shoulders and they HURT for days afterward.
Because I was flat on my back, my baby rotated and was now occiput posterior (we didn't know at the time) and that was why I was having such a difficult time pushing him out. The prolonged second stage caused fetal distress and sent me to the OR.
To this day, I still have AWFUL itching at my epidural site on my back about once a week! Do any of you have strange post-epidural symptoms?
The thing that kills me is that I knew that this could happen. Before my first labor, I read this article: Changes in fetal position during labor and their association with epidural anesthesia, by Lieberman, Davidson, Lee-Parritz, and Shearer, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in Sept 2005. The conclusion? "Fetal position changes are common during labor, with the final fetal position established close to delivery. Our demonstration of a strong association of epidural with fetal occiput posterior position at delivery represents a mechanism that may contribute to the lower rate of spontaneous vaginal delivery consistently observed with epidural."
That's exactly what happened with me.
I also read this: "Regional analgesia for pain relief increased the likelihood of instrumental vaginal delivery" in the article "Effect of availability of a parturient-elective regional labor pain relief service on the mode of delivery" by Hwa, Chen, Chen, et al in the Journal of the Formosan Medical Association in Sept 2006.
Interesting...
My sister in law (I love her dearly) also had a c-section for her first birth and wants to have a VBAC. My biggest piece of practical advice? Stay away from the epidural! Labor at home as long as possible and have as natural a birth as possible!
Unfortunately... she loved her epidural with her first baby (she only labored for 45 minutes without one!) and she is one of the women that tell others "just get the epidural!"
Women love their pain relief. Well... here's a little secret. Natural labor and birth aren't that bad!!! If you have adequate coping and relaxing techniques, it's very manageable!
My next post will be about what natural childbirth actually felt like for me. I would go through a natural labor 10 times before I'd sign up for a cesarean!
BUT- I am convinced that my epidural is what caused my c-section... something I would love (more than almost anything!) to have avoided!
I went into my first labor wanting to have a natural childbirth. However, many people encouraged me to "have an open mind" because "you don't know what your pain tolerance will be like!" So many of my friends' labor advice was simply "get the epidural!"
I felt manipulated to have an induction because of a misdiagnosis of low amniotic fluid levels. The first four hours of active labor on the pitocin were difficult, but bearable. I was coping fairly well with my husband providing counterpressure on my low back. "I'm doing it! I can totally do this!" I kept thinking.
Then... my water broke! Immediately, the contractions intensified and fear overwhelmed me. The contractions were long, hard, and close together. I felt like I had no relief. I reluctantly asked for an epidural. I felt like I had no choice. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. Pitocin-induced labor was ridiculously intense and painful.
It took 45 minutes for the epidural to get placed. The first attempt caused ringing in my ears, a metallic taste in my mouth and it caused my heart to race. It was incredibly scary. Finally... after the second attempt, I had a "good" epidural and I found relief. I couldn't feel a thing from below my breasts to my toes. I was completely numb.
Because I was less tense and was able to relax (and those pit contractions were STRONG), my cervix dilated very quickly. I went from 4cm to 10 cm in an hour. Then, I had to start pushing.
Pushing was a nightmare. I couldn't feel anything! I didn't know when I was having a contraction. I didn't know when to push. I didn't know how to push or where to push. I tried the best I could. I pushed for three hours. I felt totally out of control- the nurse kept "coaching me" to push longer and harder (I'm already giving it all I got!). I felt like I wasn't making any progress at all. It was only afterward that my husband told me that he could see the top of the baby's head for at least a good hour of pushing. I tried SO hard to not look over my shoulder at the clock. It was so disheartening after a while. All my work in vain.
Then... because of my epidural and at the suggestion of my nurse and the hospitalist midwife who managed my labor, I pushed flat on my back while pulling on a knotted bedsheet. This was awful. I had horrible heartburn and the pulling caused tremendous strain on my arms and shoulders and they HURT for days afterward.
Because I was flat on my back, my baby rotated and was now occiput posterior (we didn't know at the time) and that was why I was having such a difficult time pushing him out. The prolonged second stage caused fetal distress and sent me to the OR.
To this day, I still have AWFUL itching at my epidural site on my back about once a week! Do any of you have strange post-epidural symptoms?
The thing that kills me is that I knew that this could happen. Before my first labor, I read this article: Changes in fetal position during labor and their association with epidural anesthesia, by Lieberman, Davidson, Lee-Parritz, and Shearer, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in Sept 2005. The conclusion? "Fetal position changes are common during labor, with the final fetal position established close to delivery. Our demonstration of a strong association of epidural with fetal occiput posterior position at delivery represents a mechanism that may contribute to the lower rate of spontaneous vaginal delivery consistently observed with epidural."
That's exactly what happened with me.
I also read this: "Regional analgesia for pain relief increased the likelihood of instrumental vaginal delivery" in the article "Effect of availability of a parturient-elective regional labor pain relief service on the mode of delivery" by Hwa, Chen, Chen, et al in the Journal of the Formosan Medical Association in Sept 2006.
Interesting...
My sister in law (I love her dearly) also had a c-section for her first birth and wants to have a VBAC. My biggest piece of practical advice? Stay away from the epidural! Labor at home as long as possible and have as natural a birth as possible!
Unfortunately... she loved her epidural with her first baby (she only labored for 45 minutes without one!) and she is one of the women that tell others "just get the epidural!"
Women love their pain relief. Well... here's a little secret. Natural labor and birth aren't that bad!!! If you have adequate coping and relaxing techniques, it's very manageable!
My next post will be about what natural childbirth actually felt like for me. I would go through a natural labor 10 times before I'd sign up for a cesarean!
What are Glory Birthings?
David Crowder (my favorite musician) has a song entitled "How He Loves" on his latest album called Church Music. While I was worshiping to this song last week, I was struck by how this song reminded me of my VBAC and I was just completely overcome with emotion, as I reflected on how merciful the Lord was to me by giving me everything I prayed for for this birth.
Here are some of the lyrics:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
I just kept thinking about labor- how intense and exhausting it is. It's like being caught in a storm.... but then as the baby is born:
"...all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
Eclipsed by Glory! How awesome is that? When my sweet victory baby was born and immediately placed on my chest, and I felt her warm wet skin and heard her lusty cry, it was absolutely glorious! The past 15 hours of hard work and discomfort were washed away by the strong wave of relief, pure joy, exhilaration, and deep love for my baby that poured over me.
In the wake of this intense glory wave, I was just left in awe of my God and his incredible design. There was nothing to do except praise Him.
Glory means:
1. praise, worship, and thanksgiving offered to God
2. magnificence; great beauty
3. a thing that is beautiful or distinctive; a special cause for pride, respect, or delight
Glory Birthings are the ones that cause you to give praise. They are magnificent and beautiful. And they cause great delight!
Glory Birthings are the ones that leave you so elated and empowered that you just feel like singing. All the time. 8 weeks after my VBAC, and I am still flying!
Also... less noticeably, Glory Birthings are the ones that change and shape us into something beautiful, even if it hurts. My first birth was very difficult... I suffered from PPD like so many other women I know who have experienced traumatic births. It is deeply unfortunate to have to experience such hardship, especially when many times it is unnecessary. Two years later, though, and I am finally starting to see this birth as a Glory Birth, too. It has taken a long time and lots of prayer, but the arrival of a sweet and glorious newborn babe, the result of a glorious pregnancy, eclipses all affliction that I experienced to get him here. And I am SO thankful! I am starting to see myself not as a victim of an unfortunate culture of fear in our health care system, but as a mother who loves her child so deeply, that she would lay down her life and give up her body for his well being.
I'm not saying that we should just forget what happened to us and just let unnecessary surgical births continue to occur- oh no! We need to use our experiences as catalysts for change. We also need to stop wallowing in our despair and start helping other moms finish their grieving and heal, and to help new moms prevent the grieving from starting at all.
My prayer is that every mom can see her birth- no matter what happened- as a Glory Birth! We, as women, are the crown of creation. Our bodies can do remarkable things. Let us reclaim our births, our bodies, and our emotions! Even if our hopes for a birth were stolen from us, let us not let the glory, the magnificence, of our accomplishments (the beautiful children that we created) be stolen as well.
Both of my births were incredibly transformative and integral parts to my story. They were both glorious. And I praise God for both.
Here are some of the lyrics:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
I just kept thinking about labor- how intense and exhausting it is. It's like being caught in a storm.... but then as the baby is born:
"...all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
Eclipsed by Glory! How awesome is that? When my sweet victory baby was born and immediately placed on my chest, and I felt her warm wet skin and heard her lusty cry, it was absolutely glorious! The past 15 hours of hard work and discomfort were washed away by the strong wave of relief, pure joy, exhilaration, and deep love for my baby that poured over me.
In the wake of this intense glory wave, I was just left in awe of my God and his incredible design. There was nothing to do except praise Him.
Glory means:
1. praise, worship, and thanksgiving offered to God
2. magnificence; great beauty
3. a thing that is beautiful or distinctive; a special cause for pride, respect, or delight
Glory Birthings are the ones that cause you to give praise. They are magnificent and beautiful. And they cause great delight!
Glory Birthings are the ones that leave you so elated and empowered that you just feel like singing. All the time. 8 weeks after my VBAC, and I am still flying!
Also... less noticeably, Glory Birthings are the ones that change and shape us into something beautiful, even if it hurts. My first birth was very difficult... I suffered from PPD like so many other women I know who have experienced traumatic births. It is deeply unfortunate to have to experience such hardship, especially when many times it is unnecessary. Two years later, though, and I am finally starting to see this birth as a Glory Birth, too. It has taken a long time and lots of prayer, but the arrival of a sweet and glorious newborn babe, the result of a glorious pregnancy, eclipses all affliction that I experienced to get him here. And I am SO thankful! I am starting to see myself not as a victim of an unfortunate culture of fear in our health care system, but as a mother who loves her child so deeply, that she would lay down her life and give up her body for his well being.
I'm not saying that we should just forget what happened to us and just let unnecessary surgical births continue to occur- oh no! We need to use our experiences as catalysts for change. We also need to stop wallowing in our despair and start helping other moms finish their grieving and heal, and to help new moms prevent the grieving from starting at all.
My prayer is that every mom can see her birth- no matter what happened- as a Glory Birth! We, as women, are the crown of creation. Our bodies can do remarkable things. Let us reclaim our births, our bodies, and our emotions! Even if our hopes for a birth were stolen from us, let us not let the glory, the magnificence, of our accomplishments (the beautiful children that we created) be stolen as well.
Both of my births were incredibly transformative and integral parts to my story. They were both glorious. And I praise God for both.
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