Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Poured out

I feel so empty. Dry. Broken.

I'm pregnant. I feel pregnant. I'm exhausted and constantly nauseated. But... the baby appears nonviable. A blighted ovum, perhaps? And now I may need another D&C.

Why can't my body just miscarry appropriately? This is coming on the heels of the traumatic loss of my sweet baby Samuel. Just 3.5 months ago, I miscarried him at 12 weeks, and then almost died from hemorrhage. I was heartbroken and grief-stricken.

And now... Another miscarriage? My life just seems too sad to be true right now. I keep pinching myself, hoping I'll wake up.

I am so overwhelmed with grief. The sadness just overflows out of my heart and spills down my cheeks as salty wet tears. I hate seeing the sadness reflected in my family... my children and my husband are so sensitive to my emotions. I so wish I could re-discover my joy!!!

I am absolutely terrified to try again. A third miscarriage? That would just be cruel! Lord, you gave me this immense desire to bear children! Why are you making it so difficult?

Adoption? Remaining a family of four? It's so hard to change plans when I've had my heart set on something else for so long. Lead me, God. Sustain me. Support me. COMFORT me.

I need it!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Second miscarriage

And... I'm officially in the "multiple miscarriage club."

Found out I was pregnant last week. I was elated! I thought "surely, God is doing a miracle in me!" I immediately started celebrating my "rainbow." I called my husband and he said "Oh, Boy!" and we enjoyed the prospect of new life.

A mere 12 hours later... I began to bleed. And cramp.

7 days of bleeding. No end in sight.

More tears shed.

And only a couple of positive pregnancy tests to show for a little life that didn't stand a chance.