Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Second miscarriage

I never really discussed the details of my second loss here... so... here's a little bit of what happened:

It was VERY different from the first loss. (

I found out I was pregnant 3 months after I lost the first baby. It was November 4th. I took a test because I was starting to feel pregnant. I estimate I was about 5 or 6 weeks already (by LMP). I immediately just started shaking when I saw that pink line. I was crying. Sobbing. Anxious as all get out. I called my husband. I e-mailed my midwife. And then I prayed.

I read my Bible Study for that day. We were discussing the wilderness that God led the Israelites through after the exodus from Egypt. I was totally in a wilderness season at that time... depressed. Totally immersed in grief. Feeling like my life was interrupted completely. Well... 3 days into the desert, the Israelites ran out of water and they were feeling thirsty. God led them to a spring of water. It seemed like the answer to prayers! Yes! Thank you God for this beautiful Oasis! Maybe this second pregnancy was an Oasis in my wilderness, the answer to my prayers.

But I kept reading... the name of the water spring was Marah, which means bitter. The water was poisonous! Undrinkable! God brought them to this spring of water when they were thirsty, but they could not drink it!

I immediately thought: "This pregnancy is going to be bitter." I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to last.

My husband had come home from work and he took me out to dinner to celebrate the new pregnancy. We came home and took the kids for a walk around the block. As I was pushing the stroller over a little bump in the sidewalk, I felt a gush of fluid come out of me. "Oh no!!!" I thought. I didn't say anything... We came home and I went straight to the bathroom.

Sure enough... I was bleeding.

I was brokenhearted. Devastated.

I told a select few people about the bleeding for prayer support. I was horrified by the reactions I got from some people: "well, you are not healthy enough for a pregnancy! You should have waited longer... are you even allowed to get pregnant so soon?"

Oh my word! I was reaching out for support and instead I found judgment. In fact... I was being BLAMED for this. I felt more alone than ever. I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down. I fell further and further into depression.

For two whole weeks, I didn't know for sure if I was losing this baby or not. I was continually bleeding (moderately) but I FELT pregnant. Like MAJOR morning sickness. Exhaustion. I let myself hope, just a little. TWO WEEKS. It felt like an eternity. I couldn't celebrate a pregnancy. I couldn't mourn a loss. I was in this limbo in between. And it was awful. I kept reading that Bible Story... God led the Israelites to a bitter spring (an impossible situation) so that He could work a miracle and reveal his glory. He turned the bitter water sweet. I prayed so hard that my bitter pregnancy would turn sweet and that God would work a miracle in me!

I asked my midwife to send me for blood work and a sonogram. Turns out: my HCG was low and falling... there was only a gestational sac. Non-viable pregnancy.

I came home that day, totally deflated. An hour later, I found out my grandfather died. Life is so hard sometimes! This was 11/22/11.

I wondered... why did God not work out that miracle for me? What did I do wrong? Why is he allowing this? Am I never to have more children? I was so angry. Confused. Bitter. Lonely.

In my Bible Study, the author told us: you can pray for your specific miracles... God can answer that prayer or do something BETTER.

I am holding onto that... that God will do something even BETTER in my life. Eventually. In HIS timing.

All in all, I bled on and off for a month and I felt pregnant that entire time. That was the hardest thing... going through all those hormonal changes and feeling first trimester yuckiness without the promise of new life inside of you. It was really really tough.

I named this baby Marah Faith.

I'm getting better. Slowly but surely. The fog is lifting. I'm starting to feel His JOY inside me again which is just amazing. I know that God is shaping me. He is turning me into something useful and beautiful and significant. It's hard to see right now, but I know he has BIG plans for me. He loves me!

I'm casting my cares on Him. I know he cares for me.

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