It's so interesting to me that I've been waiting in anticipation for this day like I would have if I was still pregnant with him. I've been counting down.
You see... I've been expecting today to be a REALLY hard day. Even way back in August, just after we lost him, I commented to my midwife that "the due date is going to be so so so hard." She just said: "Sigrid... but you're going to be a totally different woman in February. Just take each day at a time."
Wow, she is such a wise woman!!! Getting through each day on its own has been how I've survived the last 6 months.
Research shows that the most intense grieving happens in the first 6 months after a loss... and well... it's now been 6 months! It does seem to be a little easier to breathe... to smile... to laugh... to feel joy in my heart.
I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see vibrant colors again. I feel like a fog has been lifted from around me and the air is sweeter. Life is still tough. I still cry. I still get jealous, especially now that other women are delivering their babies that are the same age that Sam would be. But... joy isn't impossible anymore. It's a reality of every day now. I am overflowing with joy about my beautiful kids and my amazing husband. They are so sweet, and I think God has given them a special sensitivity toward me these past few months. They know that I need desperately to laugh and have fun. They know I need extra snuggles. God created them to be just right for me. They are my perfect little support group.
I am going to spend some time today thinking about my babies-- Sam and Marah. Thinking about what it would have been like to have a new baby in the house now. But then, I'm going to get up, kiss my kids, eat some chocolate, praise God for the blessings I do have and how he has been shaping me, and then dream about the future. Not about what could have been or even "should" have been, but what promise I do have for sure... hope of heaven. That one glorious day, we will all be reunited. We will have no tears, no heartache; only overwhelming awe for the intense holiness of God. Everything will be just right.
Happy Valentine's Day to my sweet babies. Thank You Jesus for choosing me to walk this path-- to shape me and change me and to make me stronger. I know you love me and I love you, and you work all things for good for those that love you! I hold dearly onto that promise!
Much love in my heart today.