Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Moving on?


This past month has been very very difficult.

If you haven't seen the past few posts, I'll recap for you:

I was 12 weeks pregnant when I miscarried our sweet little baby. I started cramping and bleeding suddenly on July 30th. We went to the ER and were there for 6 hours before they confirmed: indeed, our baby had stopped growing and he had no heartbeat. I went home... couldn't sleep. The next day, contractions picked up and after 45 minutes of true labor, I delivered our tiny little baby into a bowl. He was so perfect and beautiful. What an incredible view at the beauty of God's creation. To see my tiny little baby... it was really a surprisingly happy moment.

Unfortunately, my body just could not let go of the rest of the pregnancy. The placenta/membranes would not release and I began to hemorrhage. I wound up losing about 2 liters of blood, or about 40% of my blood volume. I began to show signs of shock as I was rushed to the ER by ambulance. After a terrible hospital experience due to very insensitive staff members (you can read the whole story under the label: miscarriage), I received four units of blood and a unit of fresh frozen plasma, as well as about 5 bags of other IV fluids. I was given a bag of Pitocin IV to contract my uterus down but it didn't do any good. I was then given shots of Methergine to contract my uterus down... and let me tell you, that's a nasty drug. I was still bleeding, so then I was taken to the OR for an emergency D+C. (This is where they dilate the cervix and scrape out the lining under general anesthesia).

I left the hospital feeling totally bewildered. What had just happened to me? I was pregnant... excitedly expecting my third child. And now? Now... I have nothing to show for those three months of hard work-- morning sickness and exhaustion of the first trimester. A labor and birth. No more baby bump. No baby to hold. That chapter of my life was suddenly and without warning just ripped out of my life story. It left me reeling, confused, and very sad.

The first few weeks I couldn't even begin to process my emotions. I was so physically weak. I had to focus on my physical recovery, first. Three weeks later, and I was finally starting to feel a little better... and then I was struck with fatigue, joint pain, and a hot itchy rash. It was a delayed transfusion reaction.

With this new set back, I had to take benadryl around the clock. This, of course, made me even more exhausted. I couldn't take care of my kids. I felt useless to my family. I began sinking deeper and deeper into loneliness and grief. I kept thinking about our baby and desperately missing him.

My midwife told me I was much too weak to go back to work so she gave me a full 6 weeks off on disability. I'm grateful for the rest time, but this meant that I had nothing to do but think about my loss. I am just so... so... sad.

This experience has totally opened my eyes to this whole world of pregnancy loss/infertility. There are so many women who have gone through this. I never before had any idea how physically painful miscarriage could be. Or how postpartum hemorrhage can completely ravage your body. Or just how difficult it could be to tell your three year old that the baby in his mom's tummy died. I never thought I'd be jealous at a pregnant belly-- but wow! Where did those insane feelings come from??

I vacillate back and forth every day between wanting to get pregnant again *right now!* and being terrified to ever get pregnant again. Getting my period back again a few days ago totally threw me for a loop. Seeing the blood and having the cramps... it was like a flashback. And it was like my body screaming at me that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It was really difficult. I'm just so tired of bleeding.

It doesn't help that I know so many women that are newly pregnant or just had babies (including a new nephew and a new niece born the week of my miscarriage). I don't know how I'm going to respond when my due date hits: 2/14/12. Valentine's Day.

Please bear with me as my next few posts will most likely be my journaling through this miscarriage. I still have so much to process.

I miss you, Samuel.

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