IBCLC

Our health system received a grant to train 20 new IBCLCs (international board certified lactation consultants). This is something I've always wanted to do, so I applied for the class and got accepted. I will take 30 hours of in-class education and 60 hours of on-line education, then I will sit for the exam in July!

It's going to be a lot of work, but I am grateful for an opportunity to learn and grow in my profession. It's nice to be doing something for myself now, especially as I'm coming out of such a difficult season.

It's so nice to have goals and to have something to work toward!

Second miscarriage

I never really discussed the details of my second loss here... so... here's a little bit of what happened:

It was VERY different from the first loss. (http://glorybirthing.blogspot.com/2011/08/miscarriage-part-1.html)

I found out I was pregnant 3 months after I lost the first baby. It was November 4th. I took a test because I was starting to feel pregnant. I estimate I was about 5 or 6 weeks already (by LMP). I immediately just started shaking when I saw that pink line. I was crying. Sobbing. Anxious as all get out. I called my husband. I e-mailed my midwife. And then I prayed.

I read my Bible Study for that day. We were discussing the wilderness that God led the Israelites through after the exodus from Egypt. I was totally in a wilderness season at that time... depressed. Totally immersed in grief. Feeling like my life was interrupted completely. Well... 3 days into the desert, the Israelites ran out of water and they were feeling thirsty. God led them to a spring of water. It seemed like the answer to prayers! Yes! Thank you God for this beautiful Oasis! Maybe this second pregnancy was an Oasis in my wilderness, the answer to my prayers.

But I kept reading... the name of the water spring was Marah, which means bitter. The water was poisonous! Undrinkable! God brought them to this spring of water when they were thirsty, but they could not drink it!

I immediately thought: "This pregnancy is going to be bitter." I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to last.

My husband had come home from work and he took me out to dinner to celebrate the new pregnancy. We came home and took the kids for a walk around the block. As I was pushing the stroller over a little bump in the sidewalk, I felt a gush of fluid come out of me. "Oh no!!!" I thought. I didn't say anything... We came home and I went straight to the bathroom.

Sure enough... I was bleeding.

I was brokenhearted. Devastated.

I told a select few people about the bleeding for prayer support. I was horrified by the reactions I got from some people: "well, you are not healthy enough for a pregnancy! You should have waited longer... are you even allowed to get pregnant so soon?"

Oh my word! I was reaching out for support and instead I found judgment. In fact... I was being BLAMED for this. I felt more alone than ever. I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down. I fell further and further into depression.

For two whole weeks, I didn't know for sure if I was losing this baby or not. I was continually bleeding (moderately) but I FELT pregnant. Like MAJOR morning sickness. Exhaustion. I let myself hope, just a little. TWO WEEKS. It felt like an eternity. I couldn't celebrate a pregnancy. I couldn't mourn a loss. I was in this limbo in between. And it was awful. I kept reading that Bible Story... God led the Israelites to a bitter spring (an impossible situation) so that He could work a miracle and reveal his glory. He turned the bitter water sweet. I prayed so hard that my bitter pregnancy would turn sweet and that God would work a miracle in me!

I asked my midwife to send me for blood work and a sonogram. Turns out: my HCG was low and falling... there was only a gestational sac. Non-viable pregnancy.

I came home that day, totally deflated. An hour later, I found out my grandfather died. Life is so hard sometimes! This was 11/22/11.

I wondered... why did God not work out that miracle for me? What did I do wrong? Why is he allowing this? Am I never to have more children? I was so angry. Confused. Bitter. Lonely.

In my Bible Study, the author told us: you can pray for your specific miracles... God can answer that prayer or do something BETTER.

I am holding onto that... that God will do something even BETTER in my life. Eventually. In HIS timing.

All in all, I bled on and off for a month and I felt pregnant that entire time. That was the hardest thing... going through all those hormonal changes and feeling first trimester yuckiness without the promise of new life inside of you. It was really really tough.

I named this baby Marah Faith.

I'm getting better. Slowly but surely. The fog is lifting. I'm starting to feel His JOY inside me again which is just amazing. I know that God is shaping me. He is turning me into something useful and beautiful and significant. It's hard to see right now, but I know he has BIG plans for me. He loves me!

I'm casting my cares on Him. I know he cares for me.

"God won't give you more than you can handle"

PLEASE no one ever say this to me again!

I've heard this phrase countless times since my first miscarriage.

http://www.bloggingtheologically.com/2009/07/20/everyday-theology-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

It's NOT Biblical. No, I CAN'T "handle it." I NEED to rely on God! I am nothing without him.

Michelle Duggar loses baby

My heart broke when I read that news.

The Duggars announced they were expecting their 20th child on the day I realized I was miscarrying my second baby. I was so bitter about it. If she could have so many healthy pregnancies, why couldn't I? I felt like the world was rubbing salt into my wounds. I was jealous.

And now...? Poor Michelle. Miscarriage is horrible, regardless of how many children you already have. Each miscarriage is a baby lost. So sad.

And to everyone saying "she shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place!"-- shut your mouth! How incredibly insensitive to judge someone in their time of grief! When I told a select few about my fourth pregnancy last month and how I was bleeding and anxious-- my "friends" told me "Well, are you even allowed to get pregnant so soon? What are you doing having another baby already?!" Those insensitivies were absolutely terrible to hear. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. I was sharing vulnerable information with a few friends, and instead of receiving support, I was hit with rudeness and condescension. I felt shamed instead of supported.

Research shows that women who conceive again within 6 months of the first miscarriage are more likely to have successful pregnancies than women who conceive after 6 months. Most physicians recommend waiting 3 months or at least one good menstrual cycle before conceiving after a loss... not that I have to defend myself, but I did those things... And unfortunately, I had really bad luck! What would they have said if the pregnancy was successful?? Probably: "Oh congratulations! God is blessing you!" So hypocritical.

Ugh. I feel like I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again. I will constantly be feeling anxiety and I will forever be afraid to share anything with anyone again, lest I receive horrible and insensitive comments.

If you know someone who has had recurrent pregnancy losses-- keep your mouth shut, except for the old standby: "I'm so sorry! I'm here to listen if you want to talk."

Poured out

I feel so empty. Dry. Broken.

I'm pregnant. I feel pregnant. I'm exhausted and constantly nauseated. But... the baby appears nonviable. A blighted ovum, perhaps? And now I may need another D&C.

Why can't my body just miscarry appropriately? This is coming on the heels of the traumatic loss of my sweet baby Samuel. Just 3.5 months ago, I miscarried him at 12 weeks, and then almost died from hemorrhage. I was heartbroken and grief-stricken.

And now... Another miscarriage? My life just seems too sad to be true right now. I keep pinching myself, hoping I'll wake up.

I am so overwhelmed with grief. The sadness just overflows out of my heart and spills down my cheeks as salty wet tears. I hate seeing the sadness reflected in my family... my children and my husband are so sensitive to my emotions. I so wish I could re-discover my joy!!!

I am absolutely terrified to try again. A third miscarriage? That would just be cruel! Lord, you gave me this immense desire to bear children! Why are you making it so difficult?

Adoption? Remaining a family of four? It's so hard to change plans when I've had my heart set on something else for so long. Lead me, God. Sustain me. Support me. COMFORT me.

I need it!

Second miscarriage

And... I'm officially in the "multiple miscarriage club."

Found out I was pregnant last week. I was elated! I thought "surely, God is doing a miracle in me!" I immediately started celebrating my "rainbow." I called my husband and he said "Oh, Boy!" and we enjoyed the prospect of new life.

A mere 12 hours later... I began to bleed. And cramp.

7 days of bleeding. No end in sight.

More tears shed.

And only a couple of positive pregnancy tests to show for a little life that didn't stand a chance.

October 15th

October 15th is now regarded as Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

Since one out of every four pregnancies ends before birth, I guarantee that you know SOMEONE who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

Light a candle in honor of their child or children. The annual "Wave of Light" takes place at 7pm (your time) until 8pm on October 15th every year.

I have to work that evening, and I will not be able to light a candle, but I will remember my Samuel at that time. We will be attending a memorial service at Mt. Olivet cemetery for pregnancy loss babies at 12 noon that day. Please keep us in your prayers that day.

I take one day at a time. Most days are good now. But some days are still so very hard. This is a difficult journey.

October 15, "Wave of Light" video